INSULTS
A police officer pulled this guy over for speeding and told him that his eyes were bloodshot, and asked him if he'd been drinking. The guy said "Your eyes are glazed, have you been eating donuts?"
If brains were dynamite, you couldnt blow your nose
Is that your face? Or did your neck throw up?
Last time I saw you, you had lost some weight, looks like you found it.
If brains were gas you would not have enough to power a motorcycle around the oustside of a dime BITCH!
One of my teachers glasses is so thick that when she looks at a map she can see people waving.
I would be your daddy but ya mama wasnt exceptin change!!
He was so ugly that my car wouldnt even run him over.
A guy with your IQ should have a low voice too!
A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it.
A sharp tongue is no indication of a keen mind.
After meeting you, I've decided I am in favor of abortion in cases of
incest.
All of your ancestors must number in the millions; it's hard to believe
that many people are to blame for producing you.
All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don't you send them a
penny and square the account?
And there he was: reigning supreme at number two.
Any friend of yours ... is a friend of yours.
Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse
advice.
Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?
Are your parents siblings?
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people - you are
obnoxious in a different and worse way!
Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.
Believe me, I don't want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I
take all the credit?
Better at sex than anyone, now all he needs is a partner.
Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing!
Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
Can I borrow your face for a few days while my ass is on vacation?
Careful now, don't let your brains go to your head!
Converse with any plankton lately?
Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.
Did the mental hospital test too many drugs on you today?
Did you eat paint chips when you were a kid?
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
Did your parents have any children that lived?
Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen
at birth?
Do you have to leave so soon? I was about to poison the tea.
Do you want me to accept you as you are or do you want me to like
you?
Doesn't know the meaning of the word fear, but then again he doesn't
know the meaning of most words.
Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!
Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?
Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.
Don't mind him. He has a soft heart and a head to match.
Don't thank me for insulting you. It was my pleasure.
Don't think, it may sprain your brain!
Don't you have a terribly empty feeling ---- in your skull?
Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?
Don't you need a license to be that ugly?
Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world
already without your working so hard to give us another?
Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down.
Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege.
Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.
Excellent time to become a missing person.
Fat? You're not fat, you're just ... fat.
For two cents I'd give you a piece of my mind - and all of yours.
Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.
Go fart peas at the moon !!
Grasp your ears firmly and remove your head from your ass.
Has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig.
Has the IQ of lint.
Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?
He can open his mail with that nose!
He can think without moving his lips!
He comes from a long line of real estate people -- they're a vacant lot.
He does the work of three men: Moe, Larry, and Curly.
He doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt.
He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot to wind it up this
morning.
He has a mind like a steel trap -- always closed!
He has depth, but only on the surface. Down deep inside, he is shallow.
He has more faces than Mount Rushmore.
He is always lost in thought -- it's unfamiliar territory.
He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome.
He is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
He is so conceited his eyes behold each other perfectly.
He is so short his hair smell like feet
He is so short, when it rains he is always the last one to know.
He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an
idiot.
He named the street he owned after his wife. What a grand statement of
his love for her; for she was cold, hard, cracked, and only gets plowed
around the holidays.
He smells the coffee, but can't find the pot / a cup.
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
Heard your family went to a restaurant where they serve crabs just so
they could bring you along.
He'd steal the straw from his mother's kennel.
Hello - tall, dark and obnoxious!
Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!
He's got that far away look. The farther he gets, the better he looks.
He's just visiting this planet.
He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.
He's so dense that light bends around him.
He's so fat, he has the only car in town with stretch marks.
He's so short he can sit on a piece of toilet paper and dangle his feet.
He's the first in his family born without a tail. (Thanks, John Henderson)
He's the only man who, if told to screw himself, could do it.
He's the reason brothers and sisters shouldn't marry.
Hey, act your age -- senile!
Hey, I heard you went to the butcher and asked for 10 cents worth of
dog meat and he asked you if you wanted it wrapped or if you would eat
it on the spot.
Hey, I remember you when you had only one stomach.
Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?
His brainwaves fall a little short of the beach.
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
His origins are so low, you'd have to limbo under his family tree.
His personality's split so many ways he goes alone for group therapy.
His suitcase doesn't have a handle.
How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
How many years did it take you to learn how to breathe?
I always wanted to be a trouble-shooter but now I see you are not worth
it!
I believe in respect for the dead; in fact I could only respect you if you
WERE dead.
I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.
I bet your mother has a loud bark!
I can tell you are lying. Your lips are moving.
I can tie a coffee bean to my butt and swim across the Columbia River
and make a darker stain than that (about weak coffee.)
I can't seem to remember you name, and please don't help me!
I can't talk to you right now; tell me, where will you be in ten years?
I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?
I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would
eat.
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
I don't know who you are, but whatever it is, I'm sure everyone will
agree with me.
I don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't mind that I'm not
listening.
I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against
thousands of others?
I don't want you to turn the other cheek. It's just as ugly.
I feel sorry for you because you are so homely but I feel even sorrier for
other people because they have to look at you.
I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.
I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
I hear you are an officer. Your rank is - just plain rank!
I hear you are being accepted into an exclusive club cause they need
someone to snub.
I hear you are connected to the Police Department -- by a pair of
handcuffs.
I hear you are very kind to animals so please give that face back to the
gorilla.
I hear you changed your mind! What did you do with the diaper?
I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?
I hear you were born on April 2; a day too late!
I heard that your brother was an only child.
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found
nothing there.
I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.
I know you're a self-made man. It's nice of you to take the blame!
I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be!
I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you.
I like your approach, now let's see your departure.
When God was throwing intelligence down to the Earth, you were
holding an umbrella.
When I look into your eyes, I see the back of your head.
When you die, I'd like to go to your funeral but I'll probably have to go
to work that day. I believe in business before pleasure.
When you die, you should have your brain donated to science. I hear
they're trying to come up with the perfect vacuum.
When you feel terrific, notify your face.
When you fell out of the ugly tree, you hit every branch on the way
down.
When you get run over by a car it shouldn't be listed under accidents.
When you pass away and people ask me what the cause of your death
was, I'll say your stupidity.
When you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to take
care of you but the Mafia wanted too much.
When you were born, God admitted that even He could make a
mistake!
Whom am I calling "stupid"? I don't know. What's your name?
Why don't you go to the library and brush up on your ignorance?
With a mind like yours, who needs a body?
Worst-dressed sentient being in the known universe.
Would you like some cheese and crackers to go with that whine?
Would you like to replace my business partner who died this morning?
I'll arrange it with the undertaker.
You always have your ear to the ground. So how's life in the gutter?
You are a man of the world -- and you know what sad shape the world
is in.
You are about as useful as a windshield wiper on a goat's ass.
You are as strong as an ox and almost as intelligent.
You are down to earth but not quite far down enough.
You are living proof that manure can grow legs and walk.
You are no longer beneath my contempt.
You are not as bad as people say - you are worse!
